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Hidden Hurt

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Hidden Hurt

Post  Sue McDonald on Tue Aug 14 2012, 06:45

I wanted to leave, without making a scene,
but you carried on and made me feel unclean,
I was leaving those feelings, of insanity within,
of feeling so scared, so alone, would I win ?

I was going to wash all dirt right away,
chase away guilt, that just haunts, night and day.
You said you'd ring the police, to say I was to young,
or were you frightend, of me, being me, a whole one ?? 1

I remember I said, ''Mum, please do not ring,''
how could I tell her, it's all coz of 'HIM,'
he was standing there watching, listening with glee,
he knew I was frightend and wanted to flee.

Did I have the power, to tell her the truth,
Oh God ! Please help me, she'll just hit the roof,
she continued to dial, my hearts beating fast,
I can hear all my words, but my lips they won't pass.

''If you don't let me leave, then I'll tell the police,
of the things 'HE' has done and not left me in peace.''
Bang, went the phone, her face was so red,
I could tell by the look, I was sure close to dead !

She went through the things that I hadn't yet taken,
''I'll keep this, I'll have that, your not worthy of these.''
I could feel my whole body, shivering and shaking,
Why yell at me ? Can't she see, she's mistaken ?

Seventeen years in a 'family home'
with not much to show, just so cold and alone
treasures were taken, including Nans ring,
how could a mother, do such a thing ?!

''Now get out of my house, your a slut, hoar and louse,
you haven't the courage, of even a mouse'' !!
''If you want to leave home and run around 'looking loose',
there's no need to accuse father, of sexual abuse'' !!

I could feel the tears coming and a lump in my throat,
my father, just stood there starting to gloat.
To top up the pain, you told 'him' to drive me
to the place where I hoped my new life, would flow free.

We got into the car, you just turned away,
as my father drove me, from you and my home, far away
My father he sat there not saying a word,
I think if he had spoke, I wouldn't have heard.

I know sexual abuse, ( as I know it now ),
shouldn't have happened, but I didn't know how,
to stop him from doing the things that felt wrong
I was only thirteen, he was creepy and strong.

By the time I was seventeen, my brain, body, said STOP !!
this persons no right to invade from the top,
to go under the bedclothes, where this child, so naive,
should be laying there sleeping, what did he hope to achieve ??

Sometimes I wonder, if he ever realized,
that I was laying there wide awake, SO paralized.
I was to scared to sit up and say ''please go away'',
I felt dirty and guilty, God what do you say ?

To a man who's supposed to be, father and friend
who was causing me pain, that he never could mend.

I know I felt dirty, insane and alone,
why was this happening in my family home ?
I just know that I had to get out of that house
my mum wouldn't help me, she just call's me a louse.

So I left so called family home, far behind
went to my friends home, my whole life felt so blind,
my girlfriend came running, with her arms open wide,
her mum and dad stood there, as my dad left the drive.

Her mum said,''come on dear, let's go inside,''
but I wanted a hole to get into and hide.
I felt dirty and cheap, a no good, low slime,
I wondered if good life would ever be mine.

Well I fought for the good things, I felt could be mine,
with my friends and 'some' family and plenty of time.
I carried on working, my whole body felt numb,
yet I couldn't help wondering, how was my mum ?
I loved her and missed her and wished that she too,
could be there for me, when I needed love true !

Then one day the sun shone, I thought it had gone
when I saw a true kind face, NO, it wasn't my mum !
He was tall dark and handsome, his heart was so big,
he showed me so much love, that scared me to give.
He said that he'd love me, the rest of my life,
and sincerely hoped, that I would be his wife.
For once I felt certain, that this man was true,
though still I felt frightened, that he might hurt me to !

Well after a while, I felt I had to go,
back home to see my mum, just to let her know,
that I didn't not love her, or used any excuse,
to leave family home, giving sexual abuse.
The abuse wasn't mentioned, it was just pushed aside,
there was no offer to help, what was hurting inside.

I ended up going away with my love,
to a place where my parents, could not push me or shove,
to a place that was quite and fresh down in Kent,
to a place where I hoped my heart could be content.

I didn't quite know, how to work out my pain,
my feelings of dirty and being insane,
I decided all these and a whole heap of guilt,
would have to be pushed, like abuse, under quilt.

© by Sue McDonald...........................May 1987


Last edited by Sue McDonald on Mon Oct 08 2012, 04:31; edited 2 times in total
Sue McDonald
Sue McDonald

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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  peewee on Tue Aug 14 2012, 09:08

You should have told me, I would have understood.
Young I may have been, but I could have helped

Well done on writing it down xxx
I will find Daddy and post it.

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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Lucie on Tue Aug 14 2012, 15:46

could't help but cry reading this. How couragous of you to vent your feelings and share such a traumatic piece of your life.
:cvnsrih: :cvnsrih: :cvnsrih: gkro58 gkro58 gkro58 :heart:

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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Robert Anderson on Thu Aug 16 2012, 15:52

My god Sue??? xxxx

You know lass there are predators out there but for every one of them there are finders . I think you had so much courage in posting this , well, well done lass xxxxxx
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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  jinettyx on Mon Aug 20 2012, 15:48

Darling sweet Sue....What can I say that hasn't already been said....
I am awash with tears whilst reading your courageous words....
Again we became one, and I totally applaud you for being strong enough to speak out.... I am so proud and honoured to be your friend and ally.
God bless you sweetheart..xxxx hug

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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Sue McDonald on Mon Aug 27 2012, 07:05

Thankyou all so much. It is a hard subject to write about, but I have found the more I wrote about it, the more it helped. Once I started writting this poem it made me so angry towards my mother for the hurt she helped deliver towards me, what is even sadder, for me, is she continued to say terrible evil things about me to my children, right up to last Nov ! Needless to say, for self preservation, I have had to cut all communication with her as it was making me ill . So again, I say thankyou for your support and understanding ....Hugs to all ....always group hug
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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Lucie on Tue Aug 28 2012, 04:54

always an ear to listen and a hug to hold! group hug

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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Fred West on Thu Sep 06 2012, 06:22

whata brilliant poem you have written here sue so well done
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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  BC Williams on Thu Oct 25 2012, 16:07

All the while as I read this, I kept thinking of how a canine will keep coming back to the master that kicks and abuses it. You are, to her, the little black sheep who will never have that master's true love. Sue . . . well, I can say things like we love you and you have a place deep in our heart, but how much can that prepare you to finally give her that last glance, that last thought? You say you have, and for your sake, for the sake of your family, I hope you have.

No matter what he did to you, it's that mother's love you crave and you'll probably never get it. My mother suffered being the black sheep - she craved their love just as you have. She never got it. Please don't be like her and never realize that you are NOT less because of their injustice.

Ah sweetie . . . but you know what? LOVE truly conquers all. God gives us many kinds of love. This love you never got from your parents has bubbled up and out of you in ways that many are never blessed enough to experience. I know your children and Ken are more than blessed by you - and THAT, in the end, is all that is important.
Hard to put horrible thoughts and feelings behind - you and I both know this. Time, fulfilling relationships, and the peace of a contented life is all you'll ever need.

Love you Sue . . . bev

Be obscure clearly. ~ E.B. White
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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Sue McDonald on Fri Oct 26 2012, 02:12

Bev thankyou soooo much ....you made me cry ! lol It will be a year next month since I've seen her , even though she still trys to get to me through my children......one bonus is, she doesn't know where we live now !!!!
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Re: Hidden Hurt

Post  Lucie on Fri Oct 26 2012, 09:54

Be strong.... be bold........ be brilliant!

................................oh , you ARE! x

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